I have a huge issue with guilt, (I'm just going to lay that out there) especially in my perception of my relationship with Jesus. I have always had a I'll-do-this-for-you-if-you-do-this-for-me type of mindset; it's been that way since I was younger. It's very hard to re-route that into a more rightly-centered thought process when it's so ingrained into you. Anyway, this morning I opened at Barnes and Noble after closing the night before, and today my shift was from 8:30am to 4:30pm. I have been exhausted since before going to Redding for three days and I haven't been able to catch up on my sleep. I've barely had time to blink just with work and doing other things, so I haven't been doing things that I "mean to" or that I'll "get around to"...things like reading the Bible or even like painting or cleaning my room or reading other books. All that to say BECAUSE I've been so exhausted lately and my bed looks so appealing when I come into my room, I've neglected these things and felt extremely guilty about not taking time to be with Jesus and read the Bible and make a set time for praying etc. When I feel guilty I push away people I love; unfortunately that includes God (I also have a horrible habit of assuming what people are thinking about me or are going to think about me, so I base many of my decisions off that). But because I've been feeling so terrible, I felt bad even praying for people that I know need it because I feel like "Oh, God's mad at me right now...He's probably listening to people who actually take the time for Him" so I back off even on praying...which makes me feel worse.
Anyway. On my way home on a not so great day at work, I'm listening to a mix CD of worship songs Jenna made for my sister and me. About 3 minutes into the drive home (I live about 20 minutes away from my work), Jenn Johnson's "A Little Longer" comes on. I do the whole head-tilt that shows I'm about to pay more attention because key words caught my attention, so I start the song over and listen to the words and all of a sudden, I'm crying. After listening to the song 4 1/2 times before I pull into the driveway, I'm full on sobbing. It broke me. I always think the relationship between Jesus and me is give and take. But the truth is, I AM human. I AM going to pull away and feel bad for not doing all the things I should be doing, but Jesus just wants me to "let those things go" and He wants to "love on me a little longer"; He's in love with me...what a concept. I will never be able to wrap my head around that.
A Little Longer
What can I do for You?
What can I bring to You?
What kind of song would you like me to sing?
'Cause I'll dance a dance for You
Pour out my love to You
What can I do for You beautiful king?
'Cause I... can't thank You enough.
I can't thank You enough
What can I do for You?
What can I bring to You?
What kind of song would you like me to sing?
'Cause I'll dance a dance for You
Pour out my love to You
What can I do for You beautiful king?
'Cause I... can't thank You enough.
I can't thank You enough
All of the words that I find... and I can't thank You enough.
No matter I try... I can't thank You enough.
Then I hear You sing to me
"you... don't have to do a thing
Just simply be with me and let those things go
'Cause they can wait another minute
Wait... this moment is too sweet
Would you please stay here with Me
And love on Me a little longer"
I hear You say...
"You... don't have to do a thing
Just simply be with me and let those things go
'Cause they can wait another minute
Wait... this moment is too sweet
Would you please stay here with Me
And love on Me a little longer
I'd love to be with you a little longer
'Cause I'm in love with you
The ending did me over. It's my new favorite song. Praise Jesus for His unconditional love.
i love when songs do that. when someone writes a song and it fits so closely with your life and what God wants to show you that it feels like it shakes the earth under you and slaps you in the face with an amazing revelation about God. its pretty much the best thing ever.
ReplyDeleteAubrey.....I totally teared up reading this. HA AMAZING!!!! :) Funny story, last summer, like around this time, maybe a little earlier, I was listening to the very same song, and totally bawled my eyes out as I was washing the dishes. THIS IS HUGE, that this knowledge and truth is slowly making it's way to your heart!! Jesus is setting you free of guilt and condemnation!!! I am so thrilled!! and I cannot WAIT to see how you are transformed as you LET HIM LOVE ON YOU....:) I love you precious girl. :)
ReplyDeletedo you know that you've heard this song before? do you know when it was?? well, if you don't, that's ok, because, luckily, Jesus gives us friends that can help us remember things... that can help us see how great His love is for us, and how very assuredly He is working in our lives... so i remember a time when you've heard this song before...
ReplyDeleteand the thing Jesus was speaking to you in that moment was something very close to all of this... ;)
...aubrey, He is STILL working in you... He is still freeing you from the bondage of guilt and shame and 'good-enough efforts'...
and He won't relent... which makes sense that this song has played for you again...
He's in love with you, yes indeed. :)
and, oh, i love you too... ;)
"right now, right always"
-pabs
I'd never had a job schedule that made me feel like that until now. It is hard to get stuff done. But it is in the times when we are lowest that we are most vulnerable to Satan's lies. There are times when I stopped myself from ministering, or praying, or doing anything good that is god-related, simply because I'd sinned recently or felt unworthy. Like how can I shine His light if I am unclean. If god demanded that his followers be perfect before they prayed or helped someone, there would be a lot less praying and helping! So ya. Here's my two bits, I think it's a good thing to be continue to evangelize and work for god when you're in sin yourself--not only do we further His cause, it's one of the ways we come back to Him =)
ReplyDeleteHebrews 10:32-39
"32Remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you stood your ground in a great contest in the face of suffering.
33Sometimes you were publicly exposed to insult and persecution; at other times you stood side by side with those who were so treated.
34You sympathized with those in prison and joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property, because you knew that you yourselves had better and lasting possessions.
35So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.
36You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.
37For in just a very little while, "He who is coming will come and will not delay.
38But my righteous one[f] will live by faith.And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him."
39But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved."
And while avoiding the faith-works argument, I think you beat me hands down for Bible reading, so let that be of some consolation!