He's in love with me...

I feel broken right now. (ps this blog is going to be scattered)

I have a huge issue with guilt, (I'm just going to lay that out there) especially in my perception of my relationship with Jesus. I have always had a I'll-do-this-for-you-if-you-do-this-for-me type of mindset; it's been that way since I was younger. It's very hard to re-route that into a more rightly-centered thought process when it's so ingrained into you. Anyway, this morning I opened at Barnes and Noble after closing the night before, and today my shift was from 8:30am to 4:30pm. I have been exhausted since before going to Redding for three days and I haven't been able to catch up on my sleep. I've barely had time to blink just with work and doing other things, so I haven't been doing things that I "mean to" or that I'll "get around to"...things like reading the Bible or even like painting or cleaning my room or reading other books. All that to say BECAUSE I've been so exhausted lately and my bed looks so appealing when I come into my room, I've neglected these things and felt extremely guilty about not taking time to be with Jesus and read the Bible and make a set time for praying etc. When I feel guilty I push away people I love; unfortunately that includes God (I also have a horrible habit of assuming what people are thinking about me or are going to think about me, so I base many of my decisions off that). But because I've been feeling so terrible, I felt bad even praying for people that I know need it because I feel like "Oh, God's mad at me right now...He's probably listening to people who actually take the time for Him" so I back off even on praying...which makes me feel worse.

Anyway. On my way home on a not so great day at work, I'm listening to a mix CD of worship songs Jenna made for my sister and me. About 3 minutes into the drive home (I live about 20 minutes away from my work), Jenn Johnson's "A Little Longer" comes on. I do the whole head-tilt that shows I'm about to pay more attention because key words caught my attention, so I start the song over and listen to the words and all of a sudden, I'm crying. After listening to the song 4 1/2 times before I pull into the driveway, I'm full on sobbing. It broke me. I always think the relationship between Jesus and me is give and take. But the truth is, I AM human. I AM going to pull away and feel bad for not doing all the things I should be doing, but Jesus just wants me to "let those things go" and He wants to "love on me a little longer"; He's in love with me...what a concept. I will never be able to wrap my head around that.


A Little Longer

What can I do for You?
What can I bring to You?
What kind of song would you like me to sing?

'Cause I'll dance a dance for You
Pour out my love to You
What can I do for You beautiful king?

'Cause I... can't thank You enough.
I can't thank You enough
What can I do for You?
What can I bring to You?
What kind of song would you like me to sing?

'Cause I'll dance a dance for You
Pour out my love to You
What can I do for You beautiful king?

'Cause I... can't thank You enough.
I can't thank You enough
All of the words that I find... and I can't thank You enough.
No matter I try... I can't thank You enough.
Then I hear You sing to me

"you... don't have to do a thing
Just simply be with me and let those things go
'Cause they can wait another minute

Wait... this moment is too sweet
Would you please stay here with Me
And love on Me a little longer"

I hear You say...
"You... don't have to do a thing
Just simply be with me and let those things go
'Cause they can wait another minute

Wait... this moment is too sweet
Would you please stay here with Me
And love on Me a little longer
I'd love to be with you a little longer
'Cause I'm in love with you

The ending did me over. It's my new favorite song. Praise Jesus for His unconditional love.

Now she's old enough to drive....

Did you know that I am very good friends with THE Jenna Barney??

It's true.

It was her birthday on the 25th of June, exactly six months from Christmas and one day ago, and now that she is 23, she is old enough to drive. My sister Kelly, my very close friend Danae and I went to Redding for Jenna's birthday and the day before and after--to have a little wiggle room for extra celebration--and we had a blast. It was bloomin' hot, but worth the heat stroke very much so. We went to the library and dug through Theology books, found and checked out The Greatest Book Ever Written, complained about the heat, ate Thai food, wrote silly songs, dyed her hair "blonde", watched Bride Wars, complained about the heat, ate at Red Robin with great friends, saw Transformers 2, listened to Jenna play guitar, loved on each other, gave Jenna her birthday gifts, complained about the heat, went to the Stirring office, went through Dutch Bros to see Danae's cute Bethel-Barista-Boyfriend, listened to the "Get Psyched #2 Mix" (which included "Be A Man" from Mulan--epic), took crazy pictures, complained about the heat, and hugged each other 'til we could postpone goodbye no longer.

Jenna Louise Barney is like no other woman I have ever met. Sure, she's beautiful, smart, and funny like many girls claim to be, but even those words don't hold a candle to her. She is much more than that. For starters, I've never seen someone take so much time perfecting an essay, knowing that with a few more tweaks, pushing through a couple more brain aneurysms, and treading through fatigue that it will soon be flawless, or someone who speaks into your life so openly, so compassionately, with words so saturated in God's love for you that it has an echoing effect on your heart and flows into the deep recesses of your soul, or someone who sings and plays guitar with such passion for her Maker, every chord resounding with her heart of service to people and her devotion to God encouraging all who hear her...and so much more.

Jenna is 23 years of age (plus a day) and her life is just beginning. I haven't even known her for a year and already I have seen her grow in many ways she thought were impossible, be filled with courage and EN-courage many dear friends, overcome heart-wrenching situations that have threatened to pull her under, and be strong through the fiercest lowest valleys for loved ones with an incredible faith and determination. Her deep soul and kindred spirit push me to be better and I know that God has great, great plans for her (with Jenna Barney, one "great" in front of plans isn't enough).

I can't thank Jesus enough for putting her in my life in such a way as this.



Happy birthday a day late, my dear one.