I'm busy.
I've never been busy before. I mean, yes, I have had things to do, and some days, I've had more things to do than others. But I don't think, until this school year, that I have ever been BUSY.
It's kind of awful. For me, anyway. Even though I am going from thing, to thing, to thing, I end up feeling empty and alone.
Maybe I am handling this the wrong way. Maybe I am putting too much pressure on myself to be the best at everything I'm consumed with. Maybe I am too absorbed with comparing myself to others who are drastically impacting people to notice the lives that I could be changing.
Either way, I've been feeling extremely attacked. All of my insecurities are coming out, and they are causing me to lash out at the people that I love most. I have had dry eyes for maybe a few nights in the past couple of weeks.
Also, this year scares me.
When I came to Redding early for RA training week, I felt so incredibly pumped for this year: all the crazy things God is going to do, how He will move on this campus, the lives he's going to saturate...
Now I feel deflated. I feel like I'm moving backwards. I feel tired. I feel spent.
Everyone--yes, I am hyperbolizing, but it seems as though everyone (including leaders on campus) that I take the time to ask how they are doing start off their response with a sigh, and they reply "stressed."
All of the student leaders were stoked for the big things that are going to happen this school year. We all threw ourselves into Orientation Week, and the first weeks of school, and the fantastic worship night Encounter, and we saw God moving amongst His children.
But horrible things continue to brew on this campus. We are immensely overwhelmed with school, we are continually feeling the grinding of stress on our nerves and emotions, we aren't getting enough sleep, people we love are getting hurt, or worse: a girl's mother was pronounced brain-dead after being rushed to the hospital; a guy's grandparents were killed in a car accident, and his nephew was put in intensive care; a girl's brother was driving a jeep and an accident severely injured his sister and killed her boyfriend...and I am sure there are more.
This is real stuff: heavy stuff. And all I can picture when I think of all these things is that Satan is terrified. Satan sees all the potential of this year, and he sees all of the big things that God is going to work, and he is desperately trying to snatch up whatever he can reach. He is wreaking havoc on this campus, and we need to be aware of that.
We need to press into God more than ever this year, or Satan will get us to our most vulnerable, desperate point and take us out. I don't want that. I don't want that for anyone.
I'm sick right now, so if this sounds "over-dramatic", just take it for what it is; I'm processing this for myself, and in turn, rambling via blog. Just know that it's real, and we need to be careful.
